And then he smiled at me.....

Just when I get so frustrated and tired that I honestly want to give up...X surprises me and it gives me a boost to keep going. 

X hasn't been sleeping well and I am extremely exhausted by the time the morning rolls around. He cries when he's hungry, and now he has started crying just to get attention. 

While I was feeding X this morning at 7 am, I nearly fell asleep and I was just beat down. I started staring off to the other side of the room. I felt X stop nursing and looked down. He was looking up at me and he gave me the biggest, brightest smile and went "ah-oh". It melted me. 

We then smiled back and forth for about 20 minutes. 

This past weekend the in-laws came over and we celebrated A's birthday. My sister-in-law has two sons, age 5 months and 3 years. I wanted to cry because seeing my youngest nephew next to X made me realize just how quickly he is going to grow up. Now, I can't put X down. I want to cuddle him and play with him and soak in every baby moment before he gets bigger. He's a tiny little munchkin right now. I wish he could stay that way forever..... 

Quite a week!

We have had quite the week so far. We got through Hurricane Ike and the little one had his one month check up. I am proud to announce that he weighed in at 10 pounds 2 ounces and he grew one inch! 

I told my parents the happy news and they told me to stop feeding him and that I was going to make him fat! haha! I explained that the pediatrician was very pleased with his weight gain and that he is perfectly normal. I told them that he may be a big eater now, but he will probably grow leaner and tall as he gets older. I guess times have changed since 25 years ago when I was an infant. My parents aren't used to today's child rearing techniques. 

Tomorrow is A's birthday and I'm not sure what to do for him. I think his sister wants to do a cook out on Saturday. That would be fun. I want to get a card and make a card for X to give to him, but I don't have a car and A is going to be home all day tomorrow. hmmmm....

Where did Saturday go?

Weekends for me have become a time of rest. A and I take turns catching up on our sleep. I sleep through the night, he sleeps during the day, and we nap when X naps. We don't go out, we don't make any plans. 

If someone had asked me a year ago, "Shelby, what would you say if someone occupied every two hours of your life and you had to devote your full attention to that person no matter what? I would have said, "Uh, no way, I want to have a life, that is too much work." 

When I used to get up at 8 am and get my day started, I now wake up about 10 or 11. This is usually after waking up previously for two or three morning feedings. I'm lucky if I get my shower by 3 pm. I find myself wondering where the weekend went when Sunday evening rolls around.  How I am going to handle this when I go back to work still confounds me. 

Today I ran errands for the first time by myself. Granted I could only be out for 30 minutes because X was due for a feeding, but it was a nice break. 

I get a little nostalgic for the "old days" sometimes. Saturdays during football season meant cookouts and drinking beers at bars with friends while catching the UT games. Game Day now consists of A, X, and I sprawled out on the couch, still in our PJ's. Maybe we'll be able to get out in a month or two when X gets a little bigger and stronger. We can take him to my parents while we catch the game somewhere.

Saturdays are still fun in new ways, though. Having X around is so wonderful. He is the sweetest thing. We get to dance during the day and play on his play pad. Well, I dance and play, he just kind of watches in confusion or falls asleep. Today while he was sleeping on my chest, I looked down at him and I just couldn't help but get all giddy and teary-eyed. He's my little boy. He won't be little forever, so I'm trying to soak up his baby days while I can. 

Life has changed so much in the past three weeks, but I couldn't imagine it any other way. 

Week 2 and baby blues

Today marks my little one's two week anniversary here on Earth. 

X has already grown so much in just two week's time. I can tell he is heavier and growing longer. I got a tear in my eye when I saw today that his newborn shirts no longer fit him well, and the newborn diapers were fitting more snuggly. Pretty soon, he won't be my little baby boy anymore. 

I have also experienced quite the flood of emotions these past two weeks. Sometimes I forget what it was like not having X around, and then sometimes all I do is long for the time when he wasn't here and I wasn't pregnant. I miss being able to get up and go. I miss being able to go out and do things with A whenever I wanted. Well, I just miss alone TIME with A and not having to get up and tend to a crying little one. It's getting hard because A works all day, comes home and naps, and then gets up and works some more or does his fantasy football thing if he happens to have a break from work. I end up caring for X 24/7 with very little break. I'm tired when A gets home and I just want to pass X off, but I know A is just as tired as I am. 

Maybe once X sleeps longer through the night and can do more than just eat and poop I'll feel better about this. I've cried every night for the past two weeks. I hope it is just the exhaustion showing itself, but sometimes I feel so much regret and like I made the dumbest decision of my life. 

I can't take it back now. I have a son to raise and I have to be strong for him. I can't let him see and feel that I am sad deep down inside. They say babies can pick up on a mother's insecurities. 

Yes, looking at X's little face staring around the room just makes me smile ear-to-ear and glow with pride. I find myself wondering what kind of person he will grow to become. We have such a beautiful baby boy. 

I am going to try my hardest to beat this sadness and take a better approach to parenting. This should be the happiest time of my life so why isn't it?

Things I have learned about motherhood....

1) Lanolin is your best friend

2) A newborn can toot so hard and loud that he wakes not only himself, but his parents up

3) Baby poo, pee and spit up will end up in the weirdest places, leaving you scratching your head and wondering "How in the world did that get THERE??"

4) A shower and a few minutes of sleep every day are now on par with taking a luxury vacation

5) Normal eating habits do not return if your child has acid reflux. No caffiene, onions or spicy foods for me for a LONG LONG time

6) You will do a load of baby laundry at least once a day. Usually in the middle of the night when you realize you are out of clean burp cloths 

7) You will quickly become desensitized to a newborns screams and wails at 3 am 

8) A manual breast pump is a LIFESAVER

9) Seeing a newborn look up at you can simultaneously bring on extreme joy and extreme sadness

10) A trip to the pediatrician to find out how much the baby weighs would be highly anticipated

Walking Zombie

I haven't slept in a week. A and I thought that we would be tricky and he would take care of nighttime feedings on Fridays and Saturdays while I slept. Well, X had an idea of his own. He has started refusing bottles of breastmilk and wants it direct from the source only. So, I have the joy of being woken from my sleep at 3:40 in the morning to a screaming newborn who wants to be fed. Not only that, but X doesn't like sleeping. So, if he doesn't sleep, we don't sleep. We are both almost delirious with sleep deprivation. I hear it gets better as the weeks go on, but Good Lord, I see no light at the end of this tunnel. zzzzzz...........

Cha Ching

I always heard before and during the pregnancy that babies will cost you an arm and a leg by the time they are 18. Something to the tune of a quarter million?? 

I certainly believe it after today. 

I had to take X to the doctor because he is becoming frantic during his feedings. Apparently, he has acid reflux and you know what that means? Frequent doctor visits and prescriptions. Sweet.

The kid is not even a week old yet and we are already spending a bundle on his medication. 

Mom was gracious enough to buy us another months supply of diapers, wipes and a few baby clothes since our little guy likes to puke on everything and goes through about 7 shirts and half a container of wipes per day.

I'm starting to think about going back to work again. I know I have to, it is just dependent on when I can get time to interview and well, who will hire me knowing that I have a little one. Granted, interviewing while NOT pregnant is going to be a ton easier than it was interviewing 

while pregnant. Child care arrangements still bother me every day. 

Ugh. Well, for now, I need to rest and get the little guy healthy and strong so he can go to daycare and not reek havoc. 

This little bundle of joy is going to cost me a bundle.