One hell of a start to the New Year....

This month has been insane....

It started off great. I rang in the New Year with some good friends, I was getting settled into my new job, I got my first paycheck. Things were peachy until....

I caught the nasty stomach bug that went around and then Xavier caught it. We were both home sick for several days.

Just 3 days later, I received a late night phone call from my dad telling me my grandfather had passed away. Wonderful. The rush of guilt overcomes me. I really never said goodbye to him. Christmas was the last I saw him. During Christmas lunch I watched him follow a baked bean around his plate. He didn't quite have the strength to get it up on his fork. I also remember, after eating our huge Christmas lunch, retreating to the guest room to nap with Xavier and saying, "See you later, Grandpa, Love you." That was the last time I saw him alive. I also had to tell my brother about his passing. That was the hardest thing I think I've ever had to do. My brother has special needs and doesn't fully comprehend death. It was so difficult watching him crumble.

The following week was my grandfather's funeral. It was a small ceremony. The preacher presented my mother with my grandfather's veteran's flag. My grandmother was too ill to come to the funeral. The hospital wouldn't release her for the morning. The graveside service was peaceful. Grandpa is in a nice spot. Under a big shade tree where he can see the sunrise and the sunset. We had big bouquets made full of sunflowers. Yellow was one of the few colors he could see. It always made him happy to sit at his kitchen table and see the sunflowers growing in my grandma's garden.

The Saturday following grandpa's funeral, X got really sick. He ran a fever, started getting a cough. Last Monday evening, I got a frantic phone call from A saying that X was turning blue and gasping for breath. I was 30 minutes away at work. It scared me shitless. I started thinking about all of these horror scenarios and cried all the way home. A called an ambulance and paramedics looked at X. They said he was stable enough for us to take him to the ER. We then spent the next 5 hours at the ER. X checked out just fine and we went home. I think he picked up something from one of the babies in his daycare class. The boy who I think made everyone sick to begin with still is not back in class. He's been in the hospital for two weeks now with complications. Poor thing.

So, needless to say, I was out most of last week taking care of X. Shuttling to and fro.

I thought we had turned a corner this past weekend. X was on antibiotics and a breathing treatment, and he started to perk up. Sunday morning, I awoke to silence. I found this odd because X usually cries for his morning feed. Silence. I ran to his nursery. He was wheezing and his pupils were huge and dilated. His little hands were shaking and he looked like he had just seen a ghost. I picked him up and he didn't respond to anything. Light, touch, sound, nothing. I freaked out when I noticed that he was staring directly into the light an his pupils didn't respond to the light. We called paramedics again. X checked out fine. He then slept for 4 hours.

Then yesterday morning, X's daycare called and told me that he had an upset tummy and that he would not be allowed to stay until he was symptom free. So, I picked him up and took him to the doctor. The doctor didn't see anything really wrong with him. I took him back this morning, and it happened again!!

Now my mother in law is here for the rest of the week. Thank God! She is going to watch X while I go to work.

I've started feeling the pressure from my co-workers. They aren't happy that I've been gone so much. My work gets divided between them when I'm out. I feel really bad. I don't want them to hate me and I know it's not fair that they keep getting my workload, but it's my son. He's only 5 months and he's helpless. If he was 2 or 3, ok, then I probably don't deserve as much leeway... but he's itty bitty and illnesses can still hit him hard right now.

I'm exhausted and I just want to have one normal week for pete's sake!!

Booooooooo!

I gave X 1 tbs. of cereal in 4 oz. of milk yesterday. He ate a little and loved it, so I mixed in another tablespoon of cereal to his milk. He took one ounce by spoon and the rest in his bottle.

He sucked down his bottle and seemed content. Then, he started crying and from about 10:30 am on, he was cranky!! He cried and fussed and carried on. I thought that he was having a reaction, but he didn't have a rash or anything.

Then, this morning, he was constipated. grrr.

So, now we are going back to square one and starting from 1/2 tablespoon and working back up to 2 tablespoons slowly. I think his little tummy just couldn't handle the cereal.

At first you don't succeed, try try and try again...

yayayayayayyayyayay!!!

Little one ate a half tablespoon of cereal with his formula today!!! yay!!! AND I watched him roll over from back to tummy and push up!! yay!!!!

Random Recollection...

I don't know what made me think of this today...

but I couldn't help but have a recollection of the day we brought X home.

We carefully put him in his carseat trying to be so gentle so we wouldn't break him. We put all sorts of padding around him to make him secure.

I remember how he was slumped over to one side and being swallowed up by his oversized homecoming outfit and hat. I kept worrying that he was going to break his neck as we went over the slightest bumps on the car ride home. I scolded A for driving too fast, when he was really only going 30 mph.

I also remember that we stopped at McDonald's that day and I got a cheeseburger, Coke and a McFlurry. Three things that I did not allow myself to have on a regular basis during the pregnancy. The meal of champions.

For some reason, that first meal after getting out of the hospital felt so liberating. Like I was back to my old self. I had no idea just what I was in for quite yet. I was in limbo between pregnancy and motherhood and I guess that meal just sticks out in my head as a symbol of my transition. I wasn't home yet, so I didn't have to face the responsibility.

Odd memory, I know.

Maybe it's because I haven't eaten all day, and I'm craving a cheeseburger.

2009....

I wonder what the new year will bring...

2008 was quite busy with the pregnancy, move to Houston, and having the little one. I did a lot of growing last year and I can only hope that I continue growing personally and professionally this year.

I overcame many fears that I had about motherhood last year. This year is going to bring more challenges and obstacles to overcome as X gets bigger and more mobile. It is sad to think that this time next year, he won't be a little one anymore. He will be up and walking and babbling and feeding himself. I shouldn't think about that though.

I should enjoy the next 365 days to the fullest. Take in every bit of X's infancy and whatever comes my way this year. Make the most of each day. Make a memory every day. I have had too many "shoulda coulda woulda's" in my life. It's time to step up to the plate and play ball.

Happy New Year!